Why I have decided to choose to be humble...

In 2004 I was not well. I was feeling sick all of the time, working 80+ hours a week, couldn't sleep... I was always thinking along the lines of "Be a man, suck it up", etc... It took me a visit to the hospital in real, significant pain to realize that I needed SOMETHING. I couldn't do it on my own. It was past time to figure out what was going on. By that time, the problem had become acute, and what could have been a minor issue had by that time become so bad, that I required major abdominal surgery.

Let me back up a bit. I have haemolytic elliptocytosis. Yes, gesundheit, I know. It is a blood condition where my red blood cells are (mostly) ellipses instead of discs. The only time(s) in life that this is a problem is at birth, when the shear forces in the blodstream cause the cells to rupture, which results in a significant case of hyperbilirubinism (infantile jaundice). I spent my first week of life in the hospital with a systemic blood transfusion and under the UV lights to break it down so my body could process it correctly. The OTHER time is what made me sick, and required surgery. One of the two jobs of the spleen (besides holding extra white blood cells as a vanguard for infection) is to aid the liver in the destruction and disposal of old or damaged red blood cells. For some unknown reason, my spleen began recognizing the elliptical cells as "damaged". So in order to do it's "job", it began to destroy effectively ALL of my red blood cells. I became massively anemic, which accounted for the feeling sick and always being tired. The other thing my spleen decided was to grow to take on "all the extra work". A normal adult spleen is about the size of a fist. Mine (when they took it out) was about half the size of a basketball. Part of it had infarcted (died) and it was pushing other organs out of place. Needless to say, this was NOT a pleasant experience for me. The other problem was that all of the extra bilirubin from the RBC destruction went through my gall bladder, formed a massive number of stones, and in essence ripped it to pieces. When they went in, they found it... in seven pieces, four of which they had to REALLY look for to find.

If I had been more humble, and admitted I needed help when it was a "little thing", I could have avoided the pain and suffering, an acute medical condition that if I had continued in my stubbornness, would have killed me, the massive surgery that during which I nearly died twice, and the eight months of recovery that comes from a standard laparotomy. I learned what it says in the scriptures is true, that one can CHOOSE to be humble, or one will be COMPELLED to be humble. I had to be compelled to admit I couldn't do it all on my own. AND it was MUCH more painful than it needed to be, due to my being stubborn. During the many months of recovery I also required help. I needed help for BASIC things… such as going to the restroom. I couldn’t walk that far. I couldn’t get up off the toilet by myself for the first while. Talk about being humbled.

It did however, give me a much more understanding view of life. Facing death and having real lasting suffering in some small way helped me to understand that we are ALL suffering, though it is not always as obvious as one might think. Mine was not obvious, but it was VERY real. Once I understood that in the much more real fashion that it now was (is), I am able to see that I am no better or worse, that I am just as needful of humility and kindness and mercy as anyone. And If I want to have those things, and have the mercy of the Lord extended to me, I need to realize in all things that I am nothing. Because of this, how much more do I need the kindness and understanding of others? That though I suffered, HE suffered for us all. And through that small suffering of mine I need to be more thankful of how marvellous life is, even with all of its challenges. It is a wonderful time to be alive, and I need to revel in it, and allow others to do so, and to give them the love and kindness our Lord would. At least, as much as I am able to.